Dissect my brains, I am ready!
Today was that first day of many, which I was really frightened about. I was never that comfortable with people peeking inside my brain, knowing about my past, present and possible future. This research felt exactly the same as to get ready for that colonoscopy from hell and my bowels were already complaining their way out of that office…
Day 1 – Psychological Evaluation (part 1)
These questions were so mentally exhausting because they were all about my past like the divorce and situation of my parents, my school, the bullying, the situation at home, friends and the problems around it; my relationships, my (lack of) fantasy, any contacts, my past work history, my entire life was being turned upside-down. They asked so many questions that it was not easy for me to recall everything from that past, without having a temper. After the past came my current problems, my (dis)functioning, structural issues, paperwork, clothes, color combinations, money use, orientation in time and space, mobility, free time, social engagement and contacts were being discussed too.
This was stressing me out so much, to be confronted that one person could have that many issues, that person being me!
Day 2 – Psychological Evaluation (part 2)
I was a bit scared because this might be the moment when others would maybe find out that I am crazy, borderline, autistic, ADHD, bi-polair or whichever mental condition these doctors could find out with those tests?
My girlfriend was taken for an interview to a separate room, to talk about my social engagement, my emotions, how I react and much more I don’t know the details about.
I was asked to watch a movie and discuss, what I saw or felt. I was asked to discuss a drawn book with my own words. I was asked to tell what looks important to other people. To talk about my frustrations or how other people react, how I (not) keep conversations going, my social skills, my interest in cryptography and numbers, my excellent memory towards telephone numbers and certain sequences and my difficulties with my own hobbies.
A lot of these tests didn’t really make sense at all and/or were weird or awkward. Sometimes I countered with a question after giving my answer, just to understand the question more and where or why I went “differently” than expected. It felt this kept going on for ages..
These two days have been giving me a lot more insight how my brain works, with additionally some answers from the psychologist, to know where to look for eventual possible solutions and to read/study about these issues.
Some of these issues were not curable or fixable, alas.
Day 3 – Medical Research
This day was especially about my medical history, including my intestine issues, high-sensitivity towards light, sounds, feelings and central nervous system.
Not a lot to tell here on this blog about this, yet..
Day 4 – Motor Research
This day was to test my reading, math and motor skills, which are totally worthless with my right-hand, when I fell on it, there were 3 fingers semi-paralyzed in a state that I cannot (fast) take small objects, between my index finger and thumb.
It frustrated me that much, to be very efficient with my brain but not with my right hand for those tests, just because I was physically too limited by this handicap.
Those tests were quite fun to do, even for my age! Some of them were totally mind-boggling.
Day 5 – Discussing Results
This final day was there to discuss all the results of the diagnoses above. I’ve received good news and bad news.
The good news: The conclusion was that I was not crazy, bi-polar, borderline or any of the conditions I was afraid of, just by being a google-internet-doctor-wizard.
This was a revelation; but not entirely new to me, since at the diagnose of the ADHD and my previous doctor suspected Asperger in the first place.
It defined which my limits are and which research I should start reading in order to evolve to be easier integrated with a society which is for sure, not ready for this kind of condition. Living with ADHD was quite easy because of shamanistic rituals in my life, which will be discussed later on this blog. Experience should be shared, especially if it benefits more than me.
This was the first step, towards an entire new world of knowledge, I got to read books!
Source: This article was part of my private diary.