I’ve always had that ‘unnatural’ shyness, which is bothering me more, the older I get. A few years ago, I found out it is merely a container-word, for so much more than having a red face and being unable to talk or initiate things.
It’s a container-word with many faces. Anxiety, not knowing how someone reacts, fear of rejection, shyness and often not being able to see or know what somebody thinks of my awkward behavior at that moment.
It creates a lot of friction, because I don’t want to be a bother or a problem to anyone. But yet, it does seem to bother a lot of people, unconsciously..
When getting in contact with friends, I might expect a few rules of engagement, which are not from this time anymore; where social networks have taken over social interactions, albeit, making it more difficult to get better at the rules of engagement. Sensory overload only makes it worse to deal with.
Often, I don’t know if I am contacting someone on the right time or at the right place; which defaults me into that no-bother mode and at that same time, I cut off contact unconsciously, by not finding the right time to get in contact. It’s a vicious circle without end, which has hurt my heart many times, for not being able to maintain or keep friends.
When being with a friend or anyone I trust, I often don’t know when I am disturbing or not, when that right time is to say or ask something.
The quality of conversations mostly depend on that, because stress tends to lock me inside myself, making me a very silent (and for many an as-social) person. When getting in that mode, I tend to either be quiet or talk a lot to find out my fear and/or internal stresses are real or not.
That usually causes a snowball effect, for those not understanding autism and social anxiety. At those moments, I need even more rest, resulting in social isolation.
So, in short, most probably I know why I am so difficult with social engagements, but, what can I do about this?
I got no solutions for this yet, do you?