How a burn-out felt like

I’ve experienced it as a heavy hammer falling from high on my head, after working for 12 years uninterrupted for 18-22 hours a day. Everything went dark, gray, impossible. Even a conversation with a friend was difficult. Searching for help was impossible, nothing was possible to do anymore.

That has evolved towards over-sensitivity and nervous problems.

Every sound which came at me was the same as standing next to a spinning airplane. Everything was disturbing. I was isolating me from the outside world. Even light hurts.

Motivations together with the quality of life went both down the drain of that vicious circle, until I was so deep in that pit that I hardly could see light, feel warmth or hear sound. I locked myself up in a dark room, preferably in my bed, so I would not feel that mental pain anymore while asleep.

In the meantime, I kept on working till the final moment.

These burn-outs have happened multiple times during those 12 years, till the autism took control and I was totally lost, structurally and socially. My mind was racing. Physically I was going backwards too. Continuously sick, colds, throat hurts, headaches and migraines, stomach pains, diarrhea and so much more …

Till now, I am still not recovered and the word depression has become a common word with a lot of healthcare workers in my network.

The insecurity, stupidity of people, loss of all structure and efficient routines to live an independent life have all influence to ever get out of that bottomless pit. In the meantime, society hardens in such way, that a lot of people don’t even believe in depressions and burn-outs anymore, which makes you (to have the feeling) to be alone on this world, because understanding is not in the dictionary of those people, let stand that they will allow you some rest to get everything in order again…

I am afraid that autism, ADHD and over-sensitivity, together with burn-outs and depressions are not a healthy combination, but there are only few that can and want to understand to know which impact this has in a life.

Currently I am having such kind of pressure upon my chest that I could cry for centuries against the stars, but I know the loss of tears will ever change anything and I don’t want to call-up one-or-another coyote in the crying process..

So, I show myself stronger to the outside world, but it stays very painful.

This was not the first time; I had a severe crash before, caused by bullying at school.

I will keep strong …

• This was posted in reaction of: http://charliemag.be/mensen/geluid-burn-out/
• Posted @ Facebook: De Madammen (Radio 2)
• Another good article at: planetautismblog – Aspie Burnout (in Dutch)